


If I'm Broken...

by crtnylzbthxo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:48:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2498531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crtnylzbthxo/pseuds/crtnylzbthxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is broken, he doesn't think anybody notices the changes he's making. He's wrong. Castiel intends to save him. But who will save Cas?<br/>A Sam/Castiel fanfic, potential for smut later on, haven't decided yet...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Broken, Can't You See?

~SAM~

I just can't get him out of my mind. I mean i think about him every minute, even those uncomfortable dreams I sometimes have. I shouldn't feel this way, and who am I kidding, he couldn't ever love me back. Why would he even want to I'm disgusting, fat, a nerd, awkward, covered in scars. I mean I lived so long consuming demon blood, till I was barely even human. There's no way anybody could love me, especially after that, especially an angel.  
One cut for each thing I've done wrong and a few more for what I'm about to do. But first I need to get rid of this food in me, I can feel the pounds adding up. Fingers down the throat, i gag quickly and then it all comes up. I mean it wasn't this easy at first but as they say, "practice makes perfect."  
I hear a knock at the bathroom door. It's Cas, he shouts in to see if i'm alright. I obviously lie and say everything is good and that I'll be out in a sec.  
Time to erase the evidence.

~CASTIEL~

Can't Sam see he's destroying himself? I can hear what he's doing, and he really isn't very good at cleaning up after himself. But this is none of my business and if I interfered he'd be really upset. I can't bear to see Sam upset, not ever. I mean why would Sam Winchester, the one to be in the gospel of the Winchesters in the future, why would he want a fallen angel who lost his grace. I mean I don't even want me to tell the truth. It's hopeless. He'll never feel the same way about me as I adore him. Occasionally I watch over him as he sleeps, I try to keep away these night terrors that seem to be constantly haunting him.  
What else is a former angel to do?

~DEAN~

Why is everyone being so quiet and moody lately? I mean we've had it pretty easy lately, no major demon mojo. No interfering angel higher ups. So why are those two acting so off. Whatever, I'll mind my own business and have a slice of cherry pie. Mmmmm, come to papa.


	2. How It All Began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did Sam and Cas end up where they are, this is the story behind it all. How they came to be broken, and how they unknowingly fell in love with each other and fell out of love with life.

~SAM~

We've been on the hunt for this Jjin for nearly a month now, and it's been taking it's toll on me. I'm spent, I haven't felt like this since I was a teenager trying too balance schoolwork for my AP classes, dad's training regime, and the crazy hunting schedule where I'd miss a couple weeks of school at a time. As the light begins to paint the sky pink, gold, with a slight beginings of an apparently sunny day of blue skies i just sigh and place my head in my hands and work to hide my apparent distress from Dean. He has so much going on with him that I can't let him worry about me as well. I head over to Cas and ask him to let Dean know I'm heading to the motel to grab a couple hours of sleep then some research. Cas gives me a look and agrees. I begin my walk back and think of my old ways of coping, maybe it's time to take those out of the closet, not forever just until the end of this job.

~CASTIEL~

Sam appears to be quite upset, he just stood staring at the sunrise for a time and then left without talking to Dean. That in and of itself is enough to worry me but I think back to the scars running along Sam's arms and of the time I asked what they were from, what hunt. He simply replied to me with a comment of, "It was the battle against all I knew." So his behaviour worries me, but he did say he has come to terms with what has happened in his life and would never battle himself again, so I will trust in him. Maybe he's just tired. I will tell Dean that Sam left and say nothing more. ~DEAN~ 

"Sammy said what again?" I can't believe that kid, but i guess everyone needs their beauty sleep from time to time.  
"He told me to let you know he was heading back to the motel to sleep for a bit then he was gong to do some more research, he seemed pretty out of it" Well Cas was getting on my nerves. I need some food, maybe some pie. The question is what kind, there's pecan, apple... maybe I'll have a cherry pie, hehe ya I think I will.  
"she's my cherry pie.." I began to sing.  
"What is that song Dean?" Cas asks innocently, "it's an oldie, i was in the mood for some pie so I got it stuck in my head"

 

~SAM~

I got back to the motel feeling worse than ever. I reached into my bag for the shaving kit, I had an old fashioned razor for a reason. I took one of the blades out of it's wrapping and embraced it's metallic coolness. I hadn't turned to this in a long time, once or twice whilst Dean was in hell but other than that not since high school. I hadn't realised how much I missed it. I turned to my thighs where nobody would see, and I set the blade to my skin. One cut, four cuts, more and more till my thighs were covered. One of each day we'd been on that case, one for each time I had downed that demon blood, one for each time I messed up, and finally one deeper than the rest for Jessica. The last love I'd truly felt and the one I'd failed so much by not telling her about my past and what my family did for a living. I hopped in the shower and cleaned the blood from my skin and cried for a bit. I got out and carefully dried my legs, so they didn't begin to bleed on the motel's towels for Cas and Dean to see. After bandaging my legs up I get dressed in some fresh clothes and fall into a deep sleep. I dream of Jessica's death for the first time in a long time.


	3. A Sleeping Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas stumbles in on Sam still asleep, he cant help but see if he's okay.  
> FLUFF ALERT <3

~CASTIEL~

Dean and I enter the motel to find Sam still asleep, he's whimpering and reminds me of a small injured puppy. Dean comments on how, "Sammy must have been really tired he's been here for 5 hours, and he's still asleep." As Dean heads into the shower I cant help but sit beside Sammy on the bed and push the hair from his face and see if he's running a fever. While he isn't ill he is sweating, i think he's having a nightmare. I use a bit of the little remaining grace I have to banish whatever nightmare is currently haunting him. He has enough to be haunted by when he's awake, I may as well give him a break whilst he is asleep. What torments you so Sam? I wish you could talk to me about it so you didn't have to bear it alone. I think fondly of a young mother i stumbled upon once, who was singing her little boy a lullabye. Now how did it go again? I think it was, "Lulla Lu, Lulla Lu, May this song reach your heart, even now as we drift farther apart, Lala Lu, Lala Lu, even now as you rest in my heart," I sing to Sammy and see his tossing and turning cease. He lies still and calm now. "Sweetest Dreams Sammy," i quietly say as I kiss his forehead. ~SAM~ I was dreaming of Jessica's death over and over again. It wouldn't stop. No matter how much I wished it would. Suddenly, my dream shifted from Jessica's death to her life and some of my fondest memories of her. The memories of her drift into that of my mother, her face replaces Jessica's and I hear her singing to me the lullabye she used to love. It goes, "Lulla Lu, Lulla Lu, May this song reach your heart, even now as we drift farther apart, Lala Lu, Lala Lu, even now as you rest in my heart." I still remember it faintly, as Dean used to sing it to me when I had nightmares. I rest quietly now as I remember. I feel at peace.


	4. This Blade Sings To Me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sammy is having a hard time with Deans criticizing... Cas notices and tries to comfort him.

~DEAN~

"What is wrong with you Sam? Huh? What is so goddamned awful that you can't tell me? Are you having visions again? I thought they'd stopped, what is it Sam tell me!"  
I cant believe Sam, he's so moody lately so I decided I'd talk to him, now he's just starring at me and saying nothing. His eyes give him away, He's distracted and won't tell me why. I need a break. "Cas, tell Sam I went to the bar"

~SAM~

Why cant Dean see that I'm not gonna talk about it. I will never tell him what I've done, or what I'm doing. He wouldn't look at me the same. He would hate me. Everyone else did when I told them. Did Dean really think that Dad kicked me out cause I got into Stanford? No, it was so Dean didn't have to learn about what I'd done, Dad knew it would kill him that he hadn't protected me. So dad chose to make a cover story instead that Dean would believe. It killed me but I knew to never tell Dean, or anybody. One cut for every time Dean hasn't understood. One time for each tear I shed because of the two of them.

~CAS~

Sam is upset again after Dean decided to chastise him for being 'moody' doesn't he see that Sammy is in distress, that he needs to be held and comforted not yelled at because you don't understand. I don't often get upset at Dean, but in this instance he deserves it... I think I'm going to go check on him.  
"Sammy?"  
"Ya Cas?" he replies, I can hear that he's been crying.  
"Can I come in?" I hope he allows me to enter his room.  
"Uhm.. I guess so. Just give me a second"  
I hear some shuffling around and in a moment Sam opens the door.  
"What's up Cas?" he tries to hide that he's been crying from me. I reach up and wipe away a stray tear.  
"You've been crying, was it the harsh words of your brother?"  
"Uh, ya. I'm fine though. It's no big deal." He shrugs and runs his hand through his hair. I can't stand to see him so upset, so i reach out to him and give him a hug. Hopefully he doesn't mind. He then suprises me and hugs me back, he cries into my shoulder. I reach a hand up to smooth his hair and rub his back. I try this as it's something I've seen mothers do for their children. Sammy wouldn't have had this before. I hope its all right. Sam finally stops crying, he pulls away and dries his eyes.  
"Thanks Cas, I needed that. I'm sorry for messing up your shirt."  
"It's all right Sam, I'm here for you. Okay?"  
"Okay." he gives me a small smile and goes back into his room. I tell him that I'm making supper, and that I'll call him when it's ready. I can't seem to shake this feeling, I've never had it before. It feels like I need to protect Sammy and like theres a million moths fling around inside me. It's odd, maybe I'll ask Dean about it when he gets home.

~SAM~

After Cas leaves to make dinner I just sit on my bed and think to myself,"you can't fall for him. He's an angel, you used to be a demon blood addict. He's too good for you" you think to yourself that he could never love you so there's no use trying. But you can't fight this feeling that says, "He might actually like me"


	5. He Could Never Love Someone Like Me...

Sam

Cas came into my room again last night with some comfort food. Ice cream, candy, chips, tea.. everything that I usually eat when I'm upset. We watch a movie and pig out... It was fun, but I knew Cas could never love someone who was fat. So once he left I popped into the washroom and rid myself of the junk. I rinsed my mouth out and looked at myself in the mirror. I was getting fat again, I couldn't get fat... Nobody loves a fat kid, it's what my dad always told me anyways... How did they think I stayed skinny and fit when I ate as much as they did. Nobody knew about that except Jessica when she sent me to rehab once because she thought I was hurting myself, that I was gonna kill myself, so then I ate specially designed meal plans to ensure that I didn't gain any weight.. Maybe if I was skinnier Cas would like me back...

Cas

Sammy seemed so happy to hang out and forget about everything tonight. What has him so worried? What if he could tell I liked him and he didn't know how to tell me no.. Could that be something?? I don't know what to think, I've never felt like this before in my life... It's so odd, It feels like I'm broken but strong at the same like I'm being torn into two.. I would do anything to see Sammy happy, even if it meant leaving him alone and never confessed how I felt to him.

Dean

Damn that broad is fine, I should see if I can tap that. Mmmm lets buy her a drink then.. I am soo gonna get lucky tonight...


End file.
